Mini Grieving Process

When you are trying to get pregnant, each month you are not is a little grieving process.

All month, your mind is consumed with thoughts about what if this is the month.

Am I pregnant?  Is that why I feel so bloated?  What was that pain?  Is it cramps?  Ovulation pain?  Is it another miscarriage?  Should I take a test now?  Should I have a glass of wine?

Will I have trouble keeping this pregnancy, too?  When do I need to go on progesterone?  Should I start taking the baby aspirin now?  Will this baby be healthy?

When would I be due?  What would that date mean for work?  How will that impact us financially?  How much time will I need to take unpaid?  How long will my sick time last?

How far apart will the kids be?  When would I need to move Mila to the other bedroom?  How will she handle the move?

Each question and thought is filled with fear and excitement.

When you realize you are not this month, a crushing feeling envelopes your soul.  I sound like I'm exaggerating here, but I'm not.  The life you thought about, dreamed about, planned for with the baby born that month is no longer your life.

Then, the cycle begins again.

I know it will happen when it's supposed to - but someone try telling my heart that.

Mila's Nursery

She may be nearly six months old, but I can finally say her nursery is done...for now.  Good thing she doesn't seem to mind. ;-)

Knowing me and my need to plan, many would have thought this would have been done during my first trimester or at the latest over summer.  However, something happens to you when you've had a miscarriage, or three.  There is always a hesitation.  Always.  And a fear.  One of my biggest fears was losing a baby and coming home to a nursery and having to deal with all of that stuff.  All the visions and plans in the room I had created.  I was in no hurry.  So, the fact that our crib didn't arrive until four days before Mila did didn't bother me.

Now that I've seriously bummed you out - sorry - here is the cute stuff.

I found the inspiration for her room through a bedding set that I added to my registry and somehow, not one piece of it ended up in her room, and I like it much better than I could have ever imagined.  My mom shared the bedding set with my aunt, who surprised us with a far more beautiful quilt that arrived two weeks before Mila:

The only thing I had completed in advance was painting.  It's hard to tell the exact color from the photos, but it is a purple-ish gray.  I joke that I have painted two areas in our house and both are purple.  Casey is not as amused.

Where we have spent much time reading, signing, snuggling, and rocking, and will continue to:

I can't wait until she reads, sings, and snuggles her dolls and stuffed animals in her chair from Santa.

Mila's ever growing library.  My amazing co-workers threw Mila a book shower on what happened to be my last day before maternity leave.  And these are just her "upstairs" books.  Her collection is starting to rival mine.  I'm so proud.

A favorite gift from friends:

My very first "Mom Craft Project":  After searching so many stores and Etsy, I couldn't find the right letters, so I just decided I would create them.  Surprised myself with how they turned out.

A place for the maternity pictures captured seven hours before my water broke:

A reminder above her crib to be who she is and nothing else:

Celebrating Year 2

Our second anniversary was celebrated much like the first.  Both included at great night and delicious meal at 801 Steak and Chop.  Both were decorated with little hearts and special anniversary menus from the staff at 801.  Both shared memories of the last year and of our wedding day.  But this year, one of us had a "mocktail" and our next big adventure silently wiggled in my tummy. 

Tango-tini

Key Lime Pie

In our cards this year, we both wrote a note to the other about how lucky we feel to have each other.  I am so honored and blessed to get to spend my life with someone who loves and spoils me like he does.  

Gender Reveal Party: Baby Smitty's 1st Happy Hour

I like to know things.  Always have.  So when given the chance to know if our little nugget was a boy or a girl, there was no question.  I had to know.

Not only did I have to know, I can't keep a secret like that.  So, the day we found out, we hosted Baby Smitty's 1st Happy Hour to tell our families.

Waiting from our 11 am appointment until 4:30pm was hard enough.  I wanted to call my mom the minute I left the doctor's office.  Thankfully, I could keep busy with planning and prepping thanks to ideas from Pinterest.

The cupcakes:

The appetizers:

The decorations: 

The guests: 

Each guest got to decide if they thought Nugget was a boy or girl before getting a cupcake.  They also got to make predictions of Baby Smitty's arrival date.

The parents: 

Completely staged play by play.  Thanks to Aunt Crysta for the photography skills!  Little Nugget will love laughing at her cheesy parents one day.

IT'S A GIRL!  

We are beyond excited and blessed to welcome our daughter this fall.

Mother's Day, 2015

Last year, I fought back tears.  I plastered a smile on my face.  I worked to make it through the day, going through the motions.  It had only been weeks since I lost my little baby.  I tried to fill the emptiness.  But, I failed.  The day was yet another reminder of what I had lost.  All I could do was look forward and hope.

And I did.

This year, I am glowing.

I knew I wanted to capture this picture of the mom-to-be and grandmas-to-be, but I didn't know the feelings it would conjure as I look at it.

For the first time this weekend, the idea of getting to be a mom is starting to sink in.  It helped that my Friday morning started with the first little flutter in my tummy.  Just like a butterfly, my little nugget said "Good morning, Momma."  Then, hearing "Happy Mother's Day" all day long, reminding me of the precious babe growing and thriving inside me.  The weekend ended Monday afternoon at my sixteen week appointment listening to my little nugget's heartbeat.  No better sound in the world.

Even more so, I look at my mom's proud smile and am so excited she gets to be a grandma.  And how lucky I am that my kids will have her.  I can picture their future: playing in flour while baking, laying on the floor coloring, sleeping over with Grandpa Doug teasing them and running to Grandma for comfort.  I am jealous.  And so grateful.

We all look forward to next year in the same spot when we will pass around a seven month old giggling baby who will never question how loved he/she is.  

Our Little Nugget, Part 1