When you are trying to get pregnant, each month you are not is a little grieving process.
All month, your mind is consumed with thoughts about what if this is the month.
Am I pregnant? Is that why I feel so bloated? What was that pain? Is it cramps? Ovulation pain? Is it another miscarriage? Should I take a test now? Should I have a glass of wine?
Will I have trouble keeping this pregnancy, too? When do I need to go on progesterone? Should I start taking the baby aspirin now? Will this baby be healthy?
When would I be due? What would that date mean for work? How will that impact us financially? How much time will I need to take unpaid? How long will my sick time last?
How far apart will the kids be? When would I need to move Mila to the other bedroom? How will she handle the move?
Each question and thought is filled with fear and excitement.
When you realize you are not this month, a crushing feeling envelopes your soul. I sound like I'm exaggerating here, but I'm not. The life you thought about, dreamed about, planned for with the baby born that month is no longer your life.
Then, the cycle begins again.
I know it will happen when it's supposed to - but someone try telling my heart that.
Hugs, Nikki.
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine. While I do not have kids yet, my cousin (who is more like a sister) recently suffered a miscarriage. She was devastated. She already told our whole family and many friends (she was right at three months). Now that she's trying again, every month she worries. My heart goes out to her every month. My heart goes out to you and I am sorry for this hard time! I think everything is meant to be and I pray you get pregnant soon!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing such an honest, heart-felt post. It really is grief when you frame it as all the dreams and questions you have dealt with. Your list of questions is so through for one trying. So many things that a new baby pushes us to think/worry about. Clearly, your brain is trying to stay rational but I get why your heart is mourning. I hope writing is offering some therapeutic relief.
ReplyDeleteYour post is so honest and important. Thank you for sharing because I haven't ever thought about the stress of trying to get pregnant and how that feels. I've had several friends who have difficulties and now I'll be more understanding and better prepared. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYour angel is out there just waiting for the right time to choose you.
I could feel your disappointment and hopes. Thanks for sharing your feelings.
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