Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Baby Smitty's Last Week

For twelve weeks,
I carried you inside me,
nourished you, protected you.
I loved every minute of it.

But there was one thing I couldn't do:
save you

They affirm there wasn't anything
I could have done differently
My brain acknowledges, comprehends
My heart hurts, grieves

For those brief weeks,
you changed our everything

Sunday, April 13, 2014

February 21st

I thought about it just this week.  That moment when I would be the only one in the world who knew.  How I would savor it.  How I would just smile.  How I would tell him.

I took it because it had become habit.  Twice a week for the last few weeks.  So when it looked different this time, I did a double take.  Slowly realizing what happened.  I hadn't even laid it down before it was giving me results and my smile grew.

I planned to shower first and digest this information.  I would wake Casey up with this great news.  A shower would give me the right amount of time to get my phrasing the way I wanted it.  Even though I've never been at a loss for words, telling someone he is going to be a daddy takes some thought.

Then, in walks Casey.  Blurry eyed and still asleep.  He caught me off guard.  Now that I see him, I have to tell him.  I've never been good about keeping things in.

I glance back at the test and see if he will be able to figure out what the plus means.  There is a key right next to it.  I excitedly shove it in front of him not taking into account his lack of glasses and fuzzy head.

He has no idea what I was trying to show him.  After explaining it to him, he still didn't believe me.  Never thought I'd have to convince him of this.  I see a series of emotions pass over him.  Annoyed I was making him think before 7 am. Confusion about how this happened.  Disbelief that it was actually happening.  I still don't think I had convinced him before I left for work.

How I got through the day of teaching I'll never know.

That evening, we had plans to go see my mom for her birthday - which gave me all day to come up with the perfect way to tell her.  It didn't hit me until I was on my way home that afternoon.  I stopped at the store to get her a special birthday card.

I watched the clock waiting for Casey to come home.  Half surprised I didn't run right over and tell her.  My patience must be improving.

We take the card and an open bottle of wine I won't be finishing over.  

Big hugs when we get there, as always.  I lay her card on the table and tell her the gift has been delayed in arriving.  Thankfully, she picked the card up right away to open it.  I don't know what I would have done if she had wait until after dinner.  

As she sees the big purple lettering that says "Grandma" across the top, she pauses.  Eyes wide she looks up at me and I nod.  Doug is already beaming excitedly over in the corner.  Mom screams when she realizes this isn't a cruel fiftieth birthday joke I'm playing on her.  And more great big hugs.  

Friday, April 4, 2014


October 1, 2011: boyfriend & girlfriend

July 19, 2013: husband & wife

October 29, 2014: daddy & mommy