Yesterday was a rough day. For many reasons. And for no reason.
I kept watching the clock waiting until I could crawl into bed, let my armor down, allow the tears to come, and hide from everything. That time when no one was depending on me to be a mom or a wife or a teacher. I spent the last few hours of my day just going through the motions. I finally threw in the towel a little early and handed a half-asleep Tessa to Casey, so I could shower and wash the day away.
As I got out of the shower, I heard Mila calling out. It was well past 9 pm. She should have been asleep an hour ago. But she napped earlier in the day, so I was not all that surprised. I dressed quickly so she wouldn't wake her sister. I'm ready to be mad at her for wanting help putting her dolls' clothes back on or some other silly request.
I walked in and her expression changed my mood. And my heart.
She tells me it was an awful day. I swear this kid is an empath. I tell her some days are like that. Even Mommy has awful days.
Yeah? she asked.
I tell her one thing that helps is taking deep breaths. Then, I remember how much I love you, and Tessa, and your Daddy. Am I saying this for me or for her? By now, we both have tears in our eyes.
I crawled into bed with her. Clearly, I was not going anywhere for a while.
We snuggled in and talked about our plans because, thankfully, we finally had some. We planned a movie night for the next day. And daycare was finally opening up, so that was something to look forward to. She would finally get to see her friends and teacher after two months. We talked about all the random things a four-year-old brings up at bedtime. She points to my neck and says, you have a nipple just like Daddy. We had a quick lesson on the difference between moles and nipples.
Then, she wanted a story. Casey has been entertaining her with stories of our dating days -- well, the censored versions. She specifically asked for another one. I tell her about the time I fell in love with her dad. It was the first time he grilled for me, just like he had that night. I knew then I wanted to marry him and have two girls with him. And now here I am, married to him, and he is an amazing dad to two girls.
"Yeah," she says, "and because he has nipples."
A little humor and a lot of cuddles. In a moment where I just wanted to hide, I was reminded of all that I have. Apparently, being alone was not what I needed.
