Monday, September 11, 2017

The Hardships of Conceiving

I had a dream right before I woke up that it was negative.

When my alarm went off, I hit snooze.  Not because I needed more sleep, but because I knew what was coming.

By the time I got my feet on the floor, I was in the middle of a panic attack at five am.

My chest tighten.

My breath shortened.

My entire body tensed.

I knew the only way to start to ease this was to take the test.  I have to accept the result either way.  The only relief would come when I knew and could move on from there.  But I already knew.  My dream told me.

We've been trying to get pregnant since January.  It's a little hard to use the second person pronoun here.  Yes, my husband is one hundred precent in this with me, but the strain and stress is wearing on me differently.

This really has never been an easy process for us.  Before I got pregnant with Mila, I had three miscarriages.  By the time I did finally get pregnant with her, I had been pregnant four times in twelve months.  Most women never have that many pregnancies in a lifetime.

As we try for the fifth pregnancy for a second child, I am constantly haunted by the same feelings every month.  I am reminded of what I went through for the twelve month period in trying to conceive Mila.  I guess I thought it would be different with the second child.  I thought I would be used to this by now.  I thought I knew what to expect.  But these feelings still overwhelm me every month.

The feeling of failure:  Yes, I know intellectually, that is nowhere near accurate, but emotionally, it is absolutely correct.  Each month, I fail to get pregnant. I fail to be a mom of two kids.  I fail to do what I need to make my body ready.

The feeling of grief: I mourn the child I was going to have that month.  I had subconsciously planned the arrival of this sweet miracle.  I grieve the life I had dreamed would be.

The feeling of loneliness:  Multiple times a day, I think about being pregnant.  I ruminate on the idea.  When I wake up.  When I see a woman who is pregnant.  When I put Mila down at night.  When I fall asleep.  When I dream.  And all of this reminds me that I am not.

Right now, I can take deep breaths.  I can hug my sweet girl a little tighter.  I can remember to have faith.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Summer is...

music lessons on Mondays.

swim lessons at Clive Aquatic Center.

popsicles on the porch.

sprinklers with Aunt Rissa.

water table play with my bff.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

B+ Teacher

I need to learn to be a "B+" teacher.

As I lay here in bed on the Sunday night of Spring Break, the weight of everything I didn't do and need to do is suffocating.  Why do I have so much to do?  Do all teachers feel this way on Sunday night?  Am I expecting too much of myself?  Of my students?  What is that balance between trying to challenge and grow as learners and feeling like this?

For now, I have no choice but to make compromises. And that's okay.  It has to be.

I won't be the best teacher tomorrow - and that's hard to admit. But, my students have taught me more about grace than I ever knew possible. When I am honest with them tomorrow about not being prepared, they will understand.  They will cut me the slack I am so unwilling to cut myself.  And they will see me as an ordinary person who sometimes struggles, but is persistent. And that's a lesson in itself.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Toddler Photo Shoot

My entire goal was to get a cute picture of her smiling and showing "Daddy's Lucky Girl" on her shirt.  Apparently, my years of professional photography experience did not prepare me to capture images of my own child.

While this one is good, it's not her smile.  It's just another in a series of silly faces.  But those eyes! 

All of this occurred over the course of about sixty seconds.  And, as it turns out, I love the entire photo series.  

Friday, March 17, 2017

New St. Paddy's Day

Many times in the past years, I would race home from work to meet my friends out for happy hour and try to catch up since they had already been drinking for six hours.  We would create memories, meet randoms, and enjoy shenanigans all night.  The next morning, we would relive and recall it all through brunch.

This year, we traded out green beer for ice cream.

After hitting a huge consignment sale at the fairgrounds, we stopped at the Dairy Zone for a treat, effectively ruining our dinner.  My Cake Batter Tornado was totally worth it.

The skeptic: 


Signing "please" for more = a huge success! 

This was the taste of summer I wanted during Spring Break.  It was a perfect afternoon with a crisp 67 degrees.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Reality Returns

The sweet spot of Spring Break has passed.

I am now haunted with reality.

The papers I have barely touched really need feedback and grades.  The books I need to read instead of want to read are demanding my attention.  The rough sketched out lesson plans for next week are begging to be finalized.  The load of laundry I purposefully avoided last week because it was all work clothes must get cleaned.

I can only deny it for so long.

No longer will I get my long, slow morning with my coffee and Scandal reruns waiting to hear Mila's sweet voice stir awake upstairs.  

Thankfully, summer is just around the corner.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Mini Grieving Process

When you are trying to get pregnant, each month you are not is a little grieving process.

All month, your mind is consumed with thoughts about what if this is the month.

Am I pregnant?  Is that why I feel so bloated?  What was that pain?  Is it cramps?  Ovulation pain?  Is it another miscarriage?  Should I take a test now?  Should I have a glass of wine?

Will I have trouble keeping this pregnancy, too?  When do I need to go on progesterone?  Should I start taking the baby aspirin now?  Will this baby be healthy?

When would I be due?  What would that date mean for work?  How will that impact us financially?  How much time will I need to take unpaid?  How long will my sick time last?

How far apart will the kids be?  When would I need to move Mila to the other bedroom?  How will she handle the move?

Each question and thought is filled with fear and excitement.

When you realize you are not this month, a crushing feeling envelopes your soul.  I sound like I'm exaggerating here, but I'm not.  The life you thought about, dreamed about, planned for with the baby born that month is no longer your life.

Then, the cycle begins again.

I know it will happen when it's supposed to - but someone try telling my heart that.