To My Mom on My First Mother's Day

Something happened to me when I became a mom.   I realized how much it takes physically, mentally, and emotionally to raise a sweet baby.  I realized how much of myself I am devoting to this tiny little person.  I realized how it is everything I wanted and more.  In the midst of it all, I gained an entirely new appreciation for my own mom.

Her strength and determination always fights for what is best for her girls.  She always believes we can do anything we want and will help us get there anyway she can.  Because of her (and my step-dad's) encouragement, I had a masters degree before I was thirty.  I now know this feeling when I look at Mila and know that there is nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do to push her to reach her dreams.

Her devotion shows through the countless memories made: staying up all night to make Jackson "star" sugar cookies only to have a snow day; driving up to college when I had a bad day just to give me a hug; cleaning every square inch of the town home for moving day; drying tears after heartbreaks of all kinds.  She knows the importance of being present.

Her love shines through her eyes and envelopes us in hugs.  Never have I questioned my place in the world because she has always made me feel like I belonged.

Now, Mother's Day has a new meaning, not because I am a mom, but because I finally understand what it takes to be a mom.  I know there will never be anything I will be able to say or do to show her how much she means to me.  But, I will tell her I love her every chance I get.

In all three pictures taken today, she is looking at Mila.  Another reason to love her.

Mother's Day, 2015

Last year, I fought back tears.  I plastered a smile on my face.  I worked to make it through the day, going through the motions.  It had only been weeks since I lost my little baby.  I tried to fill the emptiness.  But, I failed.  The day was yet another reminder of what I had lost.  All I could do was look forward and hope.

And I did.

This year, I am glowing.

I knew I wanted to capture this picture of the mom-to-be and grandmas-to-be, but I didn't know the feelings it would conjure as I look at it.

For the first time this weekend, the idea of getting to be a mom is starting to sink in.  It helped that my Friday morning started with the first little flutter in my tummy.  Just like a butterfly, my little nugget said "Good morning, Momma."  Then, hearing "Happy Mother's Day" all day long, reminding me of the precious babe growing and thriving inside me.  The weekend ended Monday afternoon at my sixteen week appointment listening to my little nugget's heartbeat.  No better sound in the world.

Even more so, I look at my mom's proud smile and am so excited she gets to be a grandma.  And how lucky I am that my kids will have her.  I can picture their future: playing in flour while baking, laying on the floor coloring, sleeping over with Grandpa Doug teasing them and running to Grandma for comfort.  I am jealous.  And so grateful.

We all look forward to next year in the same spot when we will pass around a seven month old giggling baby who will never question how loved he/she is.