Haunted by Emptiness

Mila moved to a new room and a new bed this weekend.  It was needed.  I felt so guilty every time I'd check on her, and she was hanging half off her bed.

I had been avoiding this move.  I thought it was because I didn't want my little baby to be in a big girl bed.  I thought it was because I didn't think I had time to make this switch.  I thought it was because I wanted new bedding, new furniture, and new paint in her new room.  I thought I it was because I wanted to make it perfect like her current room.

I slowly told myself these were unrealistic expectations.  Mila's nursery was a work in progress that took six months to complete.  I reassured myself that, in time, her new room would be just as perfect.

When she was half off her bed on Friday night, I knew it had to be this weekend.  I bought a super cute quilt.  I put Doug to work putting shelving in her closet.  We rearranged the bedroom to make sure the bed was against two walls.  We started clearing boxes we hadn't looked in since we had moved in four and a half years ago.  It was time.  I was as ready as I would ever be for Mila to be a new room.

Or so I thought.

I started searching for a new dresser for Mila's room.  I toyed with the idea of going to Homemakers and getting her a bedroom set.  I know it wasn't necessary.  I didn't have a bedroom set until I was married.  And we definitely can't afford the added expense now.  I clearly was trying to avoid something.

And then it hit me.  She didn't need a new dresser because no one else would be using the one in the nursery.  I realized this move didn't really have anything to do with Mila growing up.  It was about the empty nursery.

I am sick of being reminded that I am not pregnant.  Now, this one is a big gapping empty whole in my house constantly taunting me.

Office Oasis turned Playroom Paradise

One of the selling points for our house was the office with French doors.  Between that and the open layout of the first floor, I knew this had to be my home.

I envisioned an office oasis where I would write my first book.  I pictured myself there with the windows open hearing kids running around outside.  I would have a comfy reading nook in the corner to curl up in.  And I was slowing creating this:  A beautiful desk from Pottery Barn.  Two bookshelves.  A sitting chair, though not super comfortable.  But, if I'm honest with myself, most of my writing happens in the living room.  I rarely sit in the office as planned, so the room is not getting the use it could.

And, that is not the stage of life I am in.  I am a mom in the stage who desperate wants her house back from the invasion of toys.

Since Christmas, the inundation of toys creates anxiety and tripping hazards.  After a few days of mulling it over, we turned my beautiful office into a playroom paradise.  We rearranged the house moving desks, bookshelves, beds, and toys. By simply purchasing a rug and a wall decal of letters and numbers, Mila has a room that makes me jealous.

And she helped decorate.

Mila's Nursery

She may be nearly six months old, but I can finally say her nursery is done...for now.  Good thing she doesn't seem to mind. ;-)

Knowing me and my need to plan, many would have thought this would have been done during my first trimester or at the latest over summer.  However, something happens to you when you've had a miscarriage, or three.  There is always a hesitation.  Always.  And a fear.  One of my biggest fears was losing a baby and coming home to a nursery and having to deal with all of that stuff.  All the visions and plans in the room I had created.  I was in no hurry.  So, the fact that our crib didn't arrive until four days before Mila did didn't bother me.

Now that I've seriously bummed you out - sorry - here is the cute stuff.

I found the inspiration for her room through a bedding set that I added to my registry and somehow, not one piece of it ended up in her room, and I like it much better than I could have ever imagined.  My mom shared the bedding set with my aunt, who surprised us with a far more beautiful quilt that arrived two weeks before Mila:

The only thing I had completed in advance was painting.  It's hard to tell the exact color from the photos, but it is a purple-ish gray.  I joke that I have painted two areas in our house and both are purple.  Casey is not as amused.

Where we have spent much time reading, signing, snuggling, and rocking, and will continue to:

I can't wait until she reads, sings, and snuggles her dolls and stuffed animals in her chair from Santa.

Mila's ever growing library.  My amazing co-workers threw Mila a book shower on what happened to be my last day before maternity leave.  And these are just her "upstairs" books.  Her collection is starting to rival mine.  I'm so proud.

A favorite gift from friends:

My very first "Mom Craft Project":  After searching so many stores and Etsy, I couldn't find the right letters, so I just decided I would create them.  Surprised myself with how they turned out.

A place for the maternity pictures captured seven hours before my water broke:

A reminder above her crib to be who she is and nothing else: