When you are trying to get pregnant, each month you are not is a little grieving process.
All month, your mind is consumed with thoughts about what if this is the month.
Am I pregnant? Is that why I feel so bloated? What was that pain? Is it cramps? Ovulation pain? Is it another miscarriage? Should I take a test now? Should I have a glass of wine?
Will I have trouble keeping this pregnancy, too? When do I need to go on progesterone? Should I start taking the baby aspirin now? Will this baby be healthy?
When would I be due? What would that date mean for work? How will that impact us financially? How much time will I need to take unpaid? How long will my sick time last?
How far apart will the kids be? When would I need to move Mila to the other bedroom? How will she handle the move?
Each question and thought is filled with fear and excitement.
When you realize you are not this month, a crushing feeling envelopes your soul. I sound like I'm exaggerating here, but I'm not. The life you thought about, dreamed about, planned for with the baby born that month is no longer your life.
Then, the cycle begins again.
I know it will happen when it's supposed to - but someone try telling my heart that.